I failed Business. I wasn't planning on telling my mom about it until I knew exactly what I had to do. But as she was giving me some money so Marissa and I could get something to eat, I told her she should keep it. And when she asked me why, I told her I had failed Business.
She said not to worry about it and that we'd make it. I almost wanted to cry as she was hugging me and telling me it was OK.
I go to college with Financial Aid. And I've never failed a class before while under Financial Aid. So I'm not sure as to what I have to do now. Do I pay back FAFSA with my own money? Or are they going to take it out of the remaining financial aid I have left for the Spring Semester? I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I'm washing clothes right now.
My mom has hardly been home lately. She's either always working on getting gifts for the main managers for the county (she works for the county), working on her reports to turn in, staying at work late, or she's at some party. I know that the parties aren't really work, and I know that since she's doing all of this other work, it seem only fair for her to get some time off before heading back to the real work. But sometimes it just gets to me. I know I shouldn't let it bother me.
Honestly, I hate going to parties. A small party with a few people here and there is good with me, but I hate parties. Most of it has to do with my inability to socialize with strangers.
Anyways. Garrett left today around 11:00. We had an emotional rollercoaster ride. I actually made him cry a couple of times. I can't remember how we started fighting at the time, but I know I was mad at him. Then later that night, we... oh wait. I remember now. We were going to watch Reservoir Dogs on my computer. I got it ready and I jumped in bed with him. Not even 5 mintues into the movie, Garrett started taking my pants off. I wanted to watch the movie with him because I hadn't seen Reservoir Dogs before and neither had Garrett. I thought for sure he'd want to see it. So anyways, he's tugging at the backside of my pants. But I keep telling him to stop and watch the movie. But he's constantly wanting to get me naked. So after like the 10th time, I finally push him away from me and tell him that he disgusts me when I ask him to stop but he constantly gropes me and touches me in places I don't want to be touched. It sounds bad to me now, but it was really making me mad. So Garrett finally stops trying to take my clothes off and leans his head on a pillow. Now he's not even watching the movie. I tell him to watch the movie a few minutes later and see that he's asleep! So I'm watching. The volume is really loud because the sound was messed up. So when the Beatles come on at the part with Mr. Blonde torturing the police, somehow Garrett went to hug me while I watching, so I'm laying there with Garrett holding me. I can feel his nose and his breath on my back. Then my mom comes in to say that its too loud. And it was. So I get up to lower it, but I decide to turn it off since I wanted to talk to her and Garrett was asleep anyway. So I X out Windows Media Player and Garrett starts yelling (more like talking loudly) at me saying that he was watching it, when he clearly wasn't. Even if he was, he could always turn it back on. He ends up staying in bed in the dark as I go to the living room.
I later go back to the room to go to sleep with him. I start to hug him and kiss his neck, but he stays stiff and doesn't want to turn to me or talk to me. I keep rubbing his arm and playing with his hair and he tells me in a stern voice, "Please. Stop touching me."
Now. I know why's he's mad. He's done this before. He'll touch me when I don't feel like making love with him or if I don't feel like.. eh-hmm... "kissing it" and then he'll sometimes get mad if I push him away. We've gone through this before. This time instead of holding a grudge, sleeping back to back with each other and not talking for the rest of the night, I lay there with my right arm around him and my head resting up on my left hand, I say, "All because you wanted to have sex and I wanted to simply watch the movie with you." Then Garrett comes out of his silence, "No you didn't, you turned it off. You were just being a bitch and turned it off. I was watching the movie. I just disgusted you." He lays his head back down. He's started to use my words against me now. I've been through this before. I say, "You weren't watching it all. You were asleep so then I figured I'd turn it off. If you really wanted to watch it that bad, you could have turned it back on." Garrett replies with, "Whatever. You were just being a bitch."
I lay on my back and give a big sigh. And repeat aloud, "All I wanted to do was watch the movie with you." He stayed silent. I then got off the bed and walked to the door saying, "This is ridiculous. We've always got to be fighting." I proceeded to the living room and laid on the couch. I was going to sleep there. I didn't want to be with Garrett if he was just going to be mad at me.
As I laid there, it felt like an eternity. I waited for him to come for me. Either apologizing or just telling me to come back because he can't sleep without me. I waited for this because... well, I've done this before and he did either of the two.
I laid there. Kookie and Coco followed after me when I left the room. I laid there petting Coco. I wasn't crying. I was just upset. And waiting for Garrett.
I turned over facing the couch cushions. I heard someone coming. I suspected it was Garrett. "Ow!", went my mother as she stubbed her toe on the coffee table. I must have woken my mom up when I opened the door and the squeaking sounds of the couch must have traveled to her room. She asked if I was OK. I just told her I felt like laying on the couch. Maybe she would suspect that my back was hurting on my bed. She left it at that. She talked to the dogs some, telling them they couldn't go outside. It was late.
I heard her turn on the kitchen light. Moved some dishes around. I heard her turn the light off and her footsteps shuffling against the carpet back to her room.
About 10 minutes had passed. I was getting cold. I wanted to go back to my room, but I didn't want to go back on my own will. I wanted Garrett to want me again.
I was really getting cold the more I wanted my blanket. So I decided I'd walk back to my room and grab a cover. I reached over Garrett and tugged my blanket from under his leg. He moved it as if I would lay down. But I didn't. I swung my blanket over my shoulder and walked out. I thought I heard Garrett give a very soft scoff. Did I hear it? I'm not sure. I was still wishing Garrett would hold me and tell me he's sorry.
10 or more minutes... or less had passed. I was covered up on the couch. I was still laying there wishing Garrett would come for me.
Five more minutes had passed. Was Garrett ever going to ask me to come back? Did he even care? What's happening to me? What's happening to us? This damn couch makes my skin itch. I felt tears start to well up at the corners of my eyes.
I kept thinking over and over of all these thoughts. Then random. Time passed over me. And it all felt like a dream.
All of a sudden, I felt something touch my head. I was startled. I had fallen asleep. I opened my eyes and looked at what was touching my head.
It was Garrett. He was sitting on the loveseat reaching over, thumbing my forehead. I woke and looked into his eyes. I felt a smile on my lips and my eyes squinched with comfort. I felt my head pushed back, as a shy child would, against the throw pillow my head was resting on. My love had come for me.
Then in that split nanosecond, I remembered why I was sleeping on the couch in the first place. I turned over to face the couch cushions. I laid there for a couple of minutes, turning away from Garrett and also trying to wake myself up to come to my senses.
I could hear Garrett sniffle. He must have been crying. I thought of how strange I felt when Garrett touched me. I didn't hear Garrett walk to me or sit on the loveseat. I must have been sleeping hard. I almost fell asleep again from thinking of how I felt.
I heard Garrett sniffle again. I started to feel the hard cringe in my chest of a cry coming on, but nothing was coming out. I turned over. I didn't want to ignore his tears. I layed my head on the pillow and reached my hand for his. His hand was over my head, resting on the pillow. I gently touched his fingertips with mine. He grabbed them. We were holding each others hands.
I didn't have my glasses on. I couldn't see him well. Just a blurry outline of him and the surroundings. It was dark and dim. All that lit around us was the multi colored lights on our little Christmas tree. I could see his arm gesture as if he was wiping away tears. He was. I put my glasses on. Still resting my head on the pillow, I looked at him. My mouth and nose concealed. Just my eyes peering at him. He stared at me with swollen and pink eyes. I laid my head back down, rubbing his fingers between mine. He rubbed back. This lasted for awhile.
I finally sat up and rubbed my eyes, to wake up. I had almost fallen asleep again when I was rubbing his fingers. I yawned and stretched. Garrett asked in a weak tone, "Did you sleep good?" I shook my head to say yes, but then slanted it and ended up circling my head around. I didn't want him to think I slept good without him. I didn't, but I did feel pretty good once I had fallen asleep. I told him, "Ehh."
We stared at each other. Garrett finally moved to the spot that my head had once rested. I stared into his eyes and wrapped my arms around his head. He nestled his head in my chest and wrapped his arms around my waist. He cried hard.
I whispered in his ear, "I love you."
He said over my shoulder, "I'm sorry." He continued to sharply sniffle and breathe in and out. We held each other.
I told him I loved him once more and looked at him. His eyes were wet with tears. We started to kiss.
We kept holding each other. I told him I was sorry I made him cry. He said he was sorry for what he did. I told him I love him so much. We kissed more. Continued to hold each other. Garrett wiped his tears and I kissed his eyes. He said, "Did your mom see you on the couch?" I said, "Yeah." "What did you tell her?", he said. I told him, "I just told her I wanted to sleep on the couch." "Oh. Because she looked at me when she was going back to her room." We both giggled. I rested my head on his chest as he held me.
He pulled me up and asked if I wanted to go to bed now. I told him, "Ok, if you want to." And gave him a peck on the cheek. He glared at me like an unsure baby. I asked what. He said, "... I want a pickle." LOL, we both quietly laughed. I said, "Do you want some popcorn too?" "Do you?" "And do you want to watch a movie?" "Ok!"
So then for the remainder of the night, we ate popcorn and pickles and watched Enter the Dragon.
Everything was great the next day. We later went and saw The Borne Supremacy on Sunday night at the dollar theater. It was around 10:15 PM. It was a really good movie. Ever since we saw Team America, we can't help but say, "Matt Damon" every time he came on screen. (LOL) (Well not everytime, but almost everytime in the beginning of the movie.)
Then once we were going home, we got in a little fight again, but quickly got better once we talked it out in my room. I really don't want to fight like we did this weekend.
I need to learn to control what bothers me. And Garrett needs to learn to stop when I ask him to.
So anyways. That was pretty much my week with Garrett.
Oh and also that when we went to the library, I checked out Magic Can Be Murder by Vivian Vande Velde. It's a great book. I'm almost finished. I want to own this book.